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Author Topic: Bad Joke Monday...
OSJ from NM by way of WA
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Good news and bad news time!

The good news is that you've been invited by a multi-millionaire to share his favorite dinner at his mansion/compound in Belize!

The bad news:

W
A
I
T

F
O
R

I
T

The multi-millionaire is John McAfee...

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"What you say sounds reasonable enough," said the man, "but I refuse to be bribed. I am here to whip people, and whip them I shall!")
-Franz Kafka - The Trial

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dthcm
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Shakespeare as a struggling writer would sell scales to make some extra money. So you now know, Where there is Will there is a weigh.

A grocer was getting some bad produce. It started out as some wilted lettuce but that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Did you hear about the overweight man who likes staying in luxury hotels,he really loves his suites.

A ballerina was arrested and was going to trial but she took a plie bargain.

Shouldn't The Byrds song be "Tern! Tern! Tern!"?

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unclefester
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The injuries suffered by the British bomber pilot when shot down over Germany were horrific. His right leg was amputated in order to save his life by German doctors and the pilot, fearing he'd never see his homeland again asked that his leg be dropped over England on the Germans next bombing raid. After some discussion they agreed.

His condition grew worse by the day and now his left leg would have to come off. Again he asked that it be dropped by the Luftwaffe over England. His right arm developed gangrene...it was removed and this time the Germans simply packed the appendage in ice and sent it to the local airfield for yet another flight across the English channel.

Finally (you knew this was coming didn't you) doctors decided that in order for the pilot to live they had to cut off his remaining left arm. Fearing that this fate was now sealed he once more requested it be dropped over mother England. But this time the German commander vehemently refused the request.

NIEN...he shouted....we have discovered your little plan...

YOU are trying to ESCAPE!!!!

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Two out of three falls with a 60 minute time limit...

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King Francis
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quote:
Originally posted by unclefester:
The injuries suffered by the British bomber pilot when shot down over Germany were horrific. His right leg was amputated in order to save his life by German doctors and the pilot, fearing he'd never see his homeland again asked that his leg be dropped over England on the Germans next bombing raid. After some discussion they agreed.

His condition grew worse by the day and now his left leg would have to come off. Again he asked that it be dropped by the Luftwaffe over England. His right arm developed gangrene...it was removed and this time the Germans simply packed the appendage in ice and sent it to the local airfield for yet another flight across the English channel.

Finally (you knew this was coming didn't you) doctors decided that in order for the pilot to live they had to cut off his remaining left arm. Fearing that this fate was now sealed he once more requested it be dropped over mother England. But this time the German commander vehemently refused the request.

NIEN...he shouted....we have discovered your little plan...

YOU are trying to ESCAPE!!!!

fester ahead by a bulb and Im stealing it!!!!

[ 05-16-2017, 04:27 AM: Message edited by: King Francis ]

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When I said that was the most ignorant thing I ever heard, I didn't realize you were still talking.

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King Francis
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The British and the Nazis are fighting in the trenches. Everything has quieted down and nether side is winning.
A British soldier turns to his buddy and says. “Hey I have an Idea. What’s the most common German name?” His buddy thinks for a second then replies. “Hans I think.”
The first soldier shouts out. “Hey Hans!”
A Nazi soldier pops up from his foxhole “Yah?”
Bang! The british soldier nails him in the head.
They do this a few more time before the Nazis get wise to it.
A Nazi soldier turns to his buddy “Whats the most common English name?” His buddy replies “Its George.”
The Nazi solder yells out. “Hey George!”
“Is that you Hans?”
“Yah?” Bang

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When I said that was the most ignorant thing I ever heard, I didn't realize you were still talking.

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The Fake J.D. McKay
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A young fellow was working at a grocery store and this big ole dude came into where he was working in produce and asked for a half a head of lettuce. The kid said "We don't have anything but a full head of lettuce, sir." The musclehead continued to ask for half a head of lettuce to the point of being intimidating. The young guy said "I'll step back and ask my manager."

He went back to the back room but did not notice the big dude followed him back. He found the manager and said "There is a big giant ass hole that wants to buy a half a head of lettuce..." and he then saw the customer out of the corner of his eye..."and this fine man will take the OTHER half!"

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Mr. Parts Unknown
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Seems an amateur artist was working on replicating some of Lautrec's greatest works, but the bristles on his brush were worn.

Not wanting to take the time to go buy a new one, he took a few leaves from a jar of herbs in the kitchen and attached them to the end of his brush, and like the results.

Unfortunately, he eventually ran out of those leaves, too, so ...

He had no thyme Toulouse. [Razz] [Razz] [Razz] [Razz] [Razz]

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King Francis
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now dats baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

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When I said that was the most ignorant thing I ever heard, I didn't realize you were still talking.

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Mr. Parts Unknown
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quote:
Originally posted by King Francis:
now dats baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad

Thanks. [Big Grin]
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Shattered
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

---Thank you, you're beautiful---

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

---Oh you're all too kind. Thank you---

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong".

---Thank you, you're all awesome---

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

---Hello? Is this thing on??---

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Mookie Wilson would've been safe anyway!

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gulascantfoolus
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quote:
Originally posted by Shattered:
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

---Thank you, you're beautiful---

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

---Oh you're all too kind. Thank you---

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong".

---Thank you, you're all awesome---

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

---Hello? Is this thing on??---

You got a future... just not in comedy [Big Grin]

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gulascantfoolus is the greatest
user name EVER regardless of any silly contest

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The Average Malenko
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I made this up & it's so bad I'm ashamed of myself.

What do you call a tired, sleepy MMA fighter?


Rhonda Drousey

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The Fake J.D. McKay
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What do you get if you cross a chimpanzee with an Aggie?

Nothing. Some things even a monkey won't do.

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gulascantfoolus
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quote:
Originally posted by The Average Malenko:
I made this up & it's so bad I'm ashamed of myself.

What do you call a tired, sleepy MMA fighter?


Rhonda Drousey

Thats pretty good....3 de-merits

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gulascantfoolus is the greatest
user name EVER regardless of any silly contest

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