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Author Topic: Bad Joke Monday . . . ?
davephlegmball
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

He says, "Uno . . . dos . . ."

. . . and he disappears without a tres.

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The Fake J.D. McKay
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Oldie:

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds”… think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

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The Average Malenko
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Did you hear about the dyslexic from Bombay India?


The dot is on the back of his head.

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plmathfoto
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quote:
Originally posted by The Fake J.D. McKay:
Oldie:

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds”… think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

Love this, borrowing

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https://www.facebook.com/PeteLederbergsWrestlingPhotos?ref=hl

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King Francis
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One morning in elementary school, the students were going to a geography class. The teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are. The teacher asks the class, “Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?” Billy raises up his hand and says, “Yeah, Pennsylvania!”. The teacher replies, “Very good, Billy!, now can anyone tell me were Detroit is?” Suzy raises her hand and says, “That’s in Michigan!” The teacher again says, “Very good.” Trying to confuse the children, she now asks, “Where’s Kansas City?” Tommy raises his hand and says, “Oh Oh Pick me!!!, I know?” The teacher says, “OK, Tommy where is Kansas City?” “Last place.”

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When I said that was the most ignorant thing I ever heard, I didn't realize you were still talking.

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Skullbutt
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Squirrels inside churches

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine
will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately,
knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them freenear the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the
Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Synagogue. It's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

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Magnum GA
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quote:
Originally posted by Skullbutt:
Squirrels inside churches

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine
will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately,
knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them freenear the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the
Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Synagogue. It's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

Personally, I don't see how this is a bad joke. It's pretty damned funny if you ask me.
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King Francis
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quote:
Originally posted by Magnum GA:
quote:
Originally posted by Skullbutt:
Squirrels inside churches

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine
will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately,
knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them freenear the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the
Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Synagogue. It's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

Personally, I don't see how this is a bad joke. It's pretty damned funny if you ask me.
and IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!!

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When I said that was the most ignorant thing I ever heard, I didn't realize you were still talking.

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gulascantfoolus
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quote:
Originally posted by King Francis:
quote:
Originally posted by Magnum GA:
quote:
Originally posted by Skullbutt:
Squirrels inside churches

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine
will.


At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately,
knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them freenear the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the
Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Synagogue. It's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

Personally, I don't see how this is a bad joke. It's pretty damned funny if you ask me.
and IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!!
You tell 'em King Its BAD Joke Monday.....telling a funny one? of all the nerve [Roll Eyes]

--------------------
gulascantfoolus is the greatest
user name EVER regardless of any silly contest

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King Francis
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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice ****. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

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When I said that was the most ignorant thing I ever heard, I didn't realize you were still talking.

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gulascantfoolus
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quote:
Originally posted by King Francis:
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice ****. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Now thats more like it [Wink]

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gulascantfoolus is the greatest
user name EVER regardless of any silly contest

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unclefester
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What's the difference between a dog and a fox?


3 drinks...

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Two out of three falls with a 60 minute time limit...

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jorjorbynks
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Which one of King Arthur's knights designed the round table at Camelot?


Sir Cumference!!

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Pro Wrestling is neither real nor fake. It's magic!

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King Francis
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what did the shoes say to the pants?


SUP BRITCHES?

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When I said that was the most ignorant thing I ever heard, I didn't realize you were still talking.

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Skullbutt
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quote:
Originally posted by King Francis:
quote:
Originally posted by Magnum GA:
quote:
Originally posted by Skullbutt:
Squirrels inside churches

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine
will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately,
knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them freenear the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the
Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Synagogue. It's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him, and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

Personally, I don't see how this is a bad joke. It's pretty damned funny if you ask me.
and IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!!
I apologize! Maybe this one better fits everyone's standards.

Q. If April flowers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?

A. Pilgrims

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